How are you? Fine.

Don't you just love that exchange? I'm beginning to hate it - what I really want to say (without going into great detail) is:

"I'm stressed, I'm tired because I'm stressed, my part-time job that I took to pass the time during the wait for Sarah has recently become a full-time+ job right now with no end in sight because 2 people just gave their 2 week notice and I was short 2 people before so now I'm short 4 people and do you know how hard it is to find someone qualified to be left alone with children in a daycare? And that is just the tip of the little iceberg called "my life" right now because that is probably the least stressful part of my life at the moment. I've been going to bed at 7 every night. I'm at work by 7a.m. when we open and leave sometime before 6p.m. - usually close to 5. Hannah hasn't been with me which means my mom has her the same amount of time (longer because I have to drive up to get her) so my mom isn't even getting a break from Hannah to do the work she needs to for her responsibilities. More stress. Thank God for my mom because I'd fall apart without her right now.

"I'm getting my tooth pulled out finally on Friday which means the dentist. Do you know how much anxiety I feel about the dentist? Not because it will hurt to have this tooth out - they are giving me anesthesia and likely painkillers for when I'm finished. Thank goodness because it is the sound that gets to me - the sound of them drilling into my tooth, right there in my mouth, louder than I can handle. My heart starts pounding, my hands shake and sweat and I cry. Yeah, looking forward to Friday. Brent will be taking me and we will probably have Hannah with us so my mom can have a break. I keep wondering what the day will be like with me on painkillers watching my child while my husband is running around doing things that have to get done around here while watching me and our daughter. I know in reality it probably won't be as bad as that - Brent is wonderful at multitasking and getting Hannah to help out with him. He just has a list of things he wants to get done. Fun times.

"I'm stressed + Brent being stressed = strain on our marriage. Nothing horrible mind you but we are walking on eggshells right now which = more stress. I think this is the worst part for me - I love him and he loves me but some days we need to figure out how to really be there for each other in the ways that we both need. He tends to close down a bit when he is stressed - very introspective. Works for him. I tend to need to talk and get things out because the stress gives me headaches - I grind my teeth at night - didn't know that before I just thought headaches - now I've got tooth issues too - see above. I cry, he shuts down - things are dandy some days. We are actively working on this part of our differences right now - with good success - just need to keep on going....

"Sarah has been on my mind so much during this stress. I want her home. Now. Of course I know that bringing her home (as would bringing any child into a home) will be a change and will be stressful for a bit. But, I still want her home right now, for a lot of reasons. I don't want to do the homestudy again, that alone is a stress, pulling together all the paperwork - again - paying more money for the same information - again - waiting - again - filling out immigration paperwork - again - putting more money to the same information - again - waiting - again. I want to hug my baby. I want to hug all three of my babies together - a big family hug.

"Our house in California? Don't ask. Still there. Still renting. Not selling.

"I'm feeling like my faith is being tested and I'm failing miserably. I keep saying the verse over and over in my mind For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, etc. etc. Yeah, well, I wish you would tell them to me right now, or at least give me a hint as to the plans for my family and me because right now I see nothing but stress and no way around it. I'm trying. I'm sure God knows I'm trying but I'm failing and failing miserably. Keep practicing "trust God, trust God". Is it working yet?

"A positive about this time? Both of my children are currently healthy - still need to deal with a few issues with Brandon but I think that will wait until some of this stress is gone. Don't worry his health isn't at great risk if we wait another month or two to do a followup for gastro issues. Hannah's follow-up from her surgery will wait too, until I'm not working so much and I can actually take some time to get to these appointments. She has had one UTI and is currently doing well. Thank goodness for "pink" (cranberry - shhh don't tell her) apple juice."

Yeah, I think I'll just answer "fine" and have a good cry when I find a few moments to myself because if I don't answer fine and spew off some of this stuff or *gasp* more in person while hysterically crying someone might think I'm going crazy.


*Warning - this post may be removed at anytime - it was a minor de-stressor and when I go back and re-read it I may be embarrassed about all I've said. :)